The School of Espionage and Subterfuge
by HeartlessDreamer
Summary: (AU) What if Harry had been accepted to attend not a wizard school, but a spy school? Welcome to Hogwarts School of Espionage and Subterfuge.


**AN:** Inspired by a deviantart drawing by LazyThinker, called _Hogwarts: Men in Black_.

* * *

What if Harry had been accepted to attend not a wizard school, but a spy school? Welcome to Hogwarts _School of Espionage and Subterfuge_.

* * *

Harry Potter snickered as he waited behind the bushes. This would be his greatest masterpiece yet. If only Dudley would hurry his fat butt...

The soon-to-be eleven-year old ducked when his cousin waddled into view. Excellent. All according to plan.

While the Dudley and his scrawny-looking lackey laughed at something probably crass, Harry readjusted his spectacles. He had felt sincerely, _absolutely_ terrible when Dudley's birthday had come and gone. After all, how could he have possibly forgotten dearest Dudley's special day? No, no, this had just taken a little longer than anticipated to set up.

He parted his bangs, for once forgetting to hide his lightning scar. Harry wasn't particularly fond of his scar. It made it stand out, something you wanted to avoid at all cost when you're trying to remain incognito.

"Hey," Dudley's familiar voice called out.

Harry grinned as Dudley and his lackey‒Piers, was it?‒found the bright pink cake box...which happened to be placed on the front steps of that one condemned house. Aunt Petunia had warned Dudley to stay away. Uncle Vernon called it an eyesore of Privet Drive, a shameful black spot in their pristine neighborhood. Was Dudley going to listen?

Ha.

Dudley and Piers tried to look inconspicuously,_ tried to_ being the key words, and meanders their way to the cake box. Soon enough they were in front of the gates of the suspicious house. They took a step forward. Another step...another...

_WHUMP_

Harry slipped a hand over his mouth as a shrill shriek too high-pitched to be considered in any sense masculine traveled out of the giant pitfall. It had been a ridiculous pain in the butt digging that hole in the darkness of the night and then covering it with a foam that matched the coloring of the pavement every morning. But was this belated birthday present worth it?

The box slowly slipped off the foam and into the pitfall, the top opening slight before landing with a small thud. There was another shrill shriek, probably because all of Harry's spider friends had escaped their bright pink confinement and landed on the two boys' heads.

Harry snickered. Oh hell yeah was it worth it.

* * *

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were furious.

Wonder why, Harry would think. It's not like they had any evidence that he was responsible for their precious Dudley's misfortunes. They never did. But that didn't stop them from locking him up beneath the stairs. Not that it really mattered. It gave him more time to collect his spider friends.

And when morning came he was made to get the letters, as always.

Except today was different.

Harry stared at the small package, no bigger than a wallet. He turned it over, but it didn't have a return address. Interesting.

Harry returned to the kitchen and placed all the letters on the table, save for the mysterious kitchen.

"Dad," Dudley called, obnoxiously loud as ever. "Harry's opening a package!"

Before Uncle Vernon could react, Harry had already ripped the wrappings off. _"Give me that!"_ Uncle Vernon ordered and snatched the package right out of Harry's smaller hands.

**"Authentication failed."**

Four sets of eyes snapped to the small steel box in Uncle Vernon's hands. Harry and Dudley stepped back, and Aunt Petunia gripped her towel tightly.

"What in the‒"

**"Self destruct sequence commencing in three****‒"**

Harry was already gone, dashing into the hallway.

**"Two****‒"**

Aunt Petunia called out in panic, "Vernon!" Dudley tripped as he tried to follow Harry out.

**"One**‒**"**

Harry slammed the front door open and continued running until he heard a loud scream. He whirled around as he saw several flash bangs and a plume of smoke stream out of the front doors. Harry stared in amazement as mayhem engulfed the kitchen.

Of course, Harry got in trouble for it. But that wasn't the end of it.

That next day, Aunt Petunia's groceries all started to ring with the same notification, demanding to be delivered to Harry. She screamed, dropped the produce, and kicked it out the backdoor and into the backyard before they all exploded and showered Aunt Petunia in egg yolk and milk.

And the day after, the chimney place Uncle Vernon had bricked up suddenly started beeping, warning the residents that if they did not allow Harry to speak up it would dislodge the bricks and drive them out of the house with tear gas.

What do you think happened?

Uncle Vernon loaded them up in his car and drove them far, far away, Aunt Petunia and Dudley still crying from the painful effect of the tear gas. That was how, on the day Harry was to turn eleven, he ended up in a remote lighthouse. He was in the process of coming up with an escape plan, involving several plastic bags, his briefs, and a flashlight, when thunder struck and the oak door fell down, hinges torn off.

Dudley squealed like a pig and Harry shot up to his feet, coming face to face (or more like face to stomach) with the tallest man he had ever seen.

Uncle Vernon rushed down the stairs with a gun in hand, but the bearded intruder expertly pulled out his own gun.

_Plink, plink_

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia slumped down, a small dart sticking out of their respective shoulders. Dudley screamed in that high-pitched way and the man, taking one look at the boy, bound over and struck the place between his neck and shoulder with the side of his hand. Dudley toppled over, his mouth still open in a silent scream.

"Knew it was you the moment you stood up," the man said as he dusted himself off. He wore a business suit that was just barely holding together. Harry could imagine the buttons struggling to remain intact. "It's time we left, Harry."

Harry Potter, somehow instinctively knowing this was a good thing, smiled.

* * *

**AN:** This is a oneshot for now, mainly because if I turn this into a multi-chapter story I'm pretty much rewriting an entire series. Also, I have no idea if someone has already written an entire series on Harry attending a spy school. If that is the case...holy crap, may I have a link to the story?

Anyway, review and let me know if this is original and/or I should continue!


End file.
